Hi Everyone! I wanted to take the time to reach out to see how everyone is doing. I can only imagine how difficult the last few days have been – I know it’s been very hard on me. I wanted to write down some of the things I’ve been feeling since Tony’s passing, hoping it would make me feel better. I’m hoping someone here has any advice for me for my grief.

I am very surprised how hard I am feeling about Tony’s passing. To be honest I haven’t been able to stop crying. I even had to leave work early on Monday & didn’t go in today.

I started watching GH in 2006. I saw Tony & Julie Berman doing a scene during her abortion storyline. I was amazed at these two. I didn’t know anything about their characters or the show, I just saw them acting & I was hooked. I continued to watch after I saw promos of Genie’s 2006 return / L&L’s 25th anniversary & continued to watch. It was an amazing experience watching Tony & Genie together (for me it was the first time). Since then I did a deep-dive of L&L, Tony & Genie, the Spencer Family, & General Hospital over all. I started buying GH edits on DVD, soap opera magazine (both past & present), & even found this amazing message board & a ton of fanfiction. I became a superfan in a very short time. I remember how happy I was when Genie won her Emmy in 2007, as well as Tony’s multiple wins. I remember visiting this message board everyday for years about various topics. I shared everyone’s happiness when Tony & Genie (& Julie) won their Emmys, excited about Genie’s various returns, & shared your frustration with the show’s treatment toward Genie & Tony not wanting to be part of L&L anymore.

Tony & Genie / L&L, as well as GH as a whole became an escape for me. My home life was very chaotic for several years. It was hell & I desperately needed an escape from my reality. I clung to them for survival & in turn these wonderful actors provided me with some happiness during the dark years of my life.

Never did I imagine being this emotional when Tony passed. I mean I’m crying like L&L did when they thought Lucky “died”. And I realized that GH will never be the same again after Tony’s passing. Now that Tony is gone, so is Luke Spencer officially. I always held the smallest of hope that as long as Tony is in this world, maybe he might want to do a short visit. But that hope is gone now. And I also realized that its hard to live in a world where Tony’s is no longer in it. Watching GH now, it just hurts. Now I only watch when Genie Francis is on & no one else.

I hope someone here can help guide me through my grief – because I’m not handling things well & its only been a few days. Is it strange that I am grieving so hard over a celebrity? I really do not have anyone to take to about this other than the amazing people here on this message board.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And please know that while I was typing this, the tears have not stopped at all.