I realize i sound very smart, and I am to a certain degree.
The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, oh yeah
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
--"November Rain," Guns N' Roses
There's nothing quite like the harsh, cold reality of a great 1-2 fight, especially when that squabble is doused in the deluge of a dour decline into the depths of the days next door to December. Even if that showdown is between combatants who are just waiting for the bell to ring so they can go home. It's as if "Rocky II" ended with Balboa and Creed just looking at each other, shrugging and simultaneously falling down.
Why are these teams so hopeless? Because the boundless enthusiasm that came with the start of the season, the product of their supposedly perfect pairings of team and coach, were long ago shattered like Champagne glasses at a wedding reception. As dead as a bride who was slayed by, um, rain apparently? I dunno. Have you seen the video for "November Rain"? Because I've seen it like 500 times and I'm still not sure exactly what happened there. Anyway ...
Like Axl Rose and Slash or George O'Leary and mascot Knightro, it should have worked. In fact, it did work for a little while. But it turns out they were built only for a short burst of greatness, destined to collapse under the weight of expectations that come with trying to follow up a masterpiece, whether it be "Appetite for Destruction" or the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.
Looking back, they were both destined to disappoint, forcing us to consume "Chinese Democracy" and the Civil ConFLiCT.
So, where do they go from there? They go to here.
With apologies to Stephanie Seymour's wedding dress and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. UC(not S)F (0-10)
We have a scramble to the bottom that's shaping up to be every bit as reminiscent of some of the greatest 1-2 battles in the history of the Bottom 10. I'm of course speaking of the epic to-the-final-horn throwdowns of 2013 and 2014. In '13, My Hammy of Ohio edged out Georgia State Not Southern on the season's final weekend. One year later, Georgia State did the impossible, edging out season-long leader SMU, also on the final weekend, and amazingly, without having even played a game that weekend. We know all of this because we looked it up in the Bottom 10 Media Guide, which is actually just a bunch of stuff scribbled down in an old Bortles For Heisman notebook.
2. Kansas (0-9)
According to ESPN Stats & Info's FPI calculations, the Nayhawks have a 91 percent chance to lose out, going to TCU (99.6 percent chance of losing) and hosting both West Virginia (97 percent) and Kansas State (95.4 percent). In a related note, FPI also says there is a 93 percent chance I will continue to receive hate mail from Miami fans still mad that they were in the Coveted Fifth Spot two weeks ago.
3. The Boys From Oopsilanti (1-9)
Forget the Big 12 or the SEC West. The real gauntlet is being run by Eastern Michigan in the MAC. It just traveled to My Hammy of Ohio in the Pillow Fight of the Week of Year 6 (PFOWY6) and fell 28-13. This week EMU hosts the PFOWY7A. But wait -- why is it 7A? And who does it host? And should I have just written "whom do they host"? Keep reading.
4. R-O-C-K in the UTSA (1-8)
Answer 1: It's PFOWY7A because PFOWY7B involves this team, which just lost a game to the team that lost PFOWY5 two weekends ago and this week will participate in PFOWY7B. But wait -- who are they playing? Or should that say "whom," too? Dang it, I told y'all to keep reading.
5. Ole Missed (7-3)
Ole Miss returns to the Coveted Fifth Spot after its third loss of the season and takes this spot over Memphis because, according to the College Football Playoff handbook, head-to-head results are a major tiebreaker. You know us here at Bottom 10 HQ -- we're all about the rules. This overtime stunner to Arkansas was the most devastating loss for a group of Rebels since the Battle of Hoth. Last fall Ole Miss finished the year 2-4. This year they've started the homestretch 0-1. The only person who hates November more than these guys is the guy in charge of raking the leaves at The Grove. Or Axl Rose.
6. Louisiana Monroe (1-8)
The Warhawks have just completed one of most Bottom 10-ish run of games in recent memory, going 0-3 against a trio of frequent residents of this space, Idaho, Louisiana-Lafayette and Troy, whom (who?) they lost to over the weekend 51-14. So ULM likely saw that earlier comment about Eastern Michigan's so-called gauntlet and chuckled. Then it stopped chuckling because it's too sore to laugh.
7. UMess (1-8)
Answer 2: The visiting team in PFOWY7A will be these guys, who travel to Oopsilanti for the Minutemen vs. Eagles God Bless America Patriotic Mascots Classic. The pregame anthem will be sung by Sam the Eagle. Next weekend UMass might very well be hosting PFOWY8 as My Hammy comes to town, but it's too early to call that. But wait, what's the deal with PFOWY7B and the whole who vs. whom thing? Again, keep reading.
8. Why, oming? (1-9)
Last weekend Colorado State and Wyoming held the 107th annual Border War, the oldest rivalry west of the Mississippi. The Rams defeated the Cowboys 26-7. The winner gets the Bronze Boot, which was worn in the Vietnam War by Capt. Dan J. Romero. The loser gets an old aluminum can that Romero used to eat his rations.
9. Charlotte 2and7'ers (2-7)
Answer 3, finally: PFOWY7B will be played at Charlotte, which is hosting UTSA. And the way the weather has been in Charlotte all fall, the chances are it will indeed be played in a cold November rain. So heads up to anyone planning to tailgate in a too-short wedding dress or using fragile Champagne flutes. Speaking of dropping stuff, the 49ers have turned the ball over 30 times this year, tied with Maryland for the most in FBS. It's so bad that as I tried to write that my laptop slipped out of my hands twice.
10. Huh-why-yuh (2-8)
Hawaii fans have been emailing and tweeting me for weeks, incredulous that their team hasn't been able to graduate from the waiting list to the actual Bottom 10. Well, congrats! It seems dreams can indeed come true at the end of the Rainbow(s). We seriously considered establishing a PFOWY7C this weekend. Fres-No State, which Hawaii hosts this weekend, is 2-8 and also a regular resident of waiting list. And that brings us, finally, to Answer 4: I asked my daughter's fifth-grade English teacher and she says yes, it should be whom, not who.
Waiting list: SMU (1-8), North Texas Forty (1-8), Fres-No State (2-7), My Hammy of Ohio (2-8), FA(Not I)U (2-7), Pur-Don't (2-7), Merry-Land (2-6).
Posted by TigerFan on 10/1/2009, 1:48 pm
But, my football knowledge is what truly sets me apart from
most of the common football fans.
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