Posted by BC TOM GREEN: Hi! I'm Tom Green, from "The Tom Green Show", and star of the major motion picture "Freddy Got Fingered". I'm here because they paid me, and I'm a big sell out. Just like I did to Pepsi, and Speed Stick. But I welcome just as big, or even a bigger sell-out, Bud Morgan. [Very quickly Bud Morgan appears in the shot, a sharp contrast physically, but certainly not mentality to the stick-boy standing next to him with the microphone. Tom, in a completely green suit, with green tie and hankercheif holds the mic to his lips as Bud, wearing his usual flannel vest over his new "If you can read this, keep drinking" t-shirt, looks at him skeptically.] TOM GREEN: So, uh, like, uh, Bud, you like beer n' stuff? MORGAN: Yes. TOM GREEN: What's your favorite kind of beeeeer? MORGAN: Don't got one. TOM GREEN: I'm a monkey! I'm a monkey! MORGAN: No, yar a dumb ass. TOM GREEN: BA-BOON! Ba-BOON!! MORGAN: If I wuz allowed, I'd hit ya. Don't ya got a real question fer me? TOM GREEN: (returning back to "normal") Sure. Who's your opponent for tonight? MORGAN: Calvin Astroth. He's a old, fat, baldin', paranoid nut job wit de IQ offa tree stump, an' a equal amount o' talent. TOM GREEN: Sort of like a crazy mix between me and you, eh? MORGAN: No. I got more talent den both o' you combined. Actin', wrestlin', or udderwise. TOM GREEN: You look like Glen Humplick. [Bud Morgan, unaware that Tom is speaking about an actual person, and his real life best friend, walks away shaking his head, as Tom continues on the mic.] TOM GREEN: Come back Glen! Come back, friend! I need someone else on camera to make myself look good. [Tom, realizing he's run out of actual funny material, immediately falls to floor, and begins licking it, while kicking his legs, and flailing his arms from the fetal position.] TOM GREEN: (on the floor) I'm a duck! Look mamma, I'm a duck! Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! [The scene thankfully cuts away with Tom laughing at himself, as the rest of the fans laugh AT him, NOT with him. We cut elsewhere...] ***** [We Brock Slater standing outside his locker room, with Regan Mace by his side. The camera picks up in the middle of the conversation, with Regan looking VERY hot... angry too. REGAN: What do you mean you don't want me out there tonight? This is the biggest pay per view of the YEAR! SLATER: Yeah, exactly. I don't want distractions. I already have three guys to worry about out there, I don't want a fourth. REGAN: But... but I'm out there to HELP you! SLATER: Like you "helped" me on Firefight? I can't flatten that cowardly brit and defend you at the same time. Hard is going to send Butters and Cilcky after you, and I can't help you. I WON'T help you. I'm not losing a match on account of you. REGAN: (looking speechlessly the raging Slater) Oh... okay. You go out and win your match. We'll celebrate afterwards. You'll mop the floor with him anyways. SLATER: Damn right I will. Without a word, Slater turns and leaves the side of Regan Mace, as she is left to stare at him in complete confusion. MASTERS: Wow! Slater giving Regan the business. We haven't seen Slater that pumped up in a long time. ARIEL: Brockie is a meanie. But I'm out here! I'm enough Mace for eeeeeeeverybody! CROWLEY: I'm sure you are, Air. Slater must be up to something, and knowing him, it stinks worse than a sumo chilly fart. ARIEL: Thery're delicious! MASTERS: What are? ARIEL: Sumo chilly farts!!! CROWLEY : Shut up, Air. MASTERS : Well, fans -- as the ring attendants continue to string the barbed wire up around the ring here, we're being told that right now, guest interviewer Ed the Sock is standing by to interview the man in our next matchup... "The Paranoid Genius", Calvin Astroth! Take it away, ED! ***** [Backstage, Ed the Sock is "standing" outside alone the Untouchable's dressing room. Ed, a sock pupet with a fat lit cigar, and angry expression, and very green hair, is bobbing back and forth, wearing a tiny NPW shirt.] ED: "What, can't Tom Green do all the interviews? I'm trying to score with Natasha Henstridge over here! Ehh... What's the name of the next freak?...Calvin Astroth?...Well, where the hell is the guy? I might not have arms or legs, but I have a foot, and I'll break it off in his ass if he doesn't get crackin'!" [We cut to outside Bud Morgan's dressing room where band Spirit of the West is walking by, preparing for their number. As the drummer passes by Bud's door CALVIN ASTROTH DROPS ON HIM FROM THE RAFTERS!!! Astroth begins pounding his head against the pavement!] ASTROTH: "STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!! HE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!" [The guitarist and fiddle player quickly haul Cal off their band mate before any serious damage can be done. As security intervense, we cut back to ringside.] MASTERS : Oh Good Gawd! Calvin Astroth is attacking anyone who even remotely gets near Bud Morgan! Spirit of the West was just preparing to come out here! Because up next... it's Morgan vee Astroth for the NPW Extreme title!
on 4/19/2002, 7:26 pm
[In the backstage area, we have Tom Green standing by, as he stares blankly into the screen, just as he does many times on his television program. The Green stares is void of any intelligence, just like the man behind it, as he begins to speak in his high pitched, "gets annoying quickly" tone. ] 
Message Thread
« Back to index