Posted by BC on 5/27/2002, 2:30 am THE UNTOUCHABLES (TJ Killingbeck and Timmy Fantastico) vs. ONLY I CAN KILL BUD MORGAN (Calvin Astroth and Bud Morgan) [Our final commercial break over, we return to the interior of the Corel Centre to find the fans still in a frenzy after the shocker from the last match.] MASTERS : What an unbelievable fight that was, fans, as Think Tank Turner and Direwolf have just had one of the most incredible fights in NPW history! But now! It's time! To turn our attention! To the final match of the evening! And that little number is going to be for all the money, all the title shots, and the Karen Mace Memorial Cup! CROWLEY : BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBB-OOOOOOO!!! It's the finals of the Kay Emm Emm! And it's one hell of a situation, 'cause it's TJ Killingbeck and Timmy Fantastico against THEIR OWN PARTNER in Calvin Astroth... and the NPW Extreme partner, Buddy Morgan, who also happens to be the arch-nemesis of both Cal and TJ! What the HELL is gonna happen here?? I mean, Calvin versus TJ and Timmy? Those three are like brothers! And Morgan's screwin' it all up! Imagine if Morgan and Astroth win - Cal would have to fight Timmy and TJ for the World Tag titles... and he's ONE OF THE CHAMPS!!! ARIEL : Don't forget Uncle Bud in this thing. He's gonna haveta walk a pretty narrow line out there, if he wants to keep Calvin in line for the event, and counter the chaotic factor of Astroth in this match. If he's not careful, it could blow up in his face. MASTERS : That... was incredibly insightful, Ariel. I do believe you've just had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'. Good for you. ARIEL [proudly] : Thanks. CROWLEY [dryly] : Regan is talking to you through your headset, and feeding you lines, isn't she? No, no... don't answer. Just get on with the ring introductions. ARIEL : Hrumph. [Ariel, defeated, picks up the house mic.] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS THE FINAL MATCH OF THE EVENING! IT IS FOR A SHOT AT THE NPW TAG TEAM TITLES IN TWO WEEKS ON FRIDAY NIGHT FIREFIGHT! IT IS FOR A SHOT AT THE CAL WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES! IT IS FOR $100,000 -- that's Canadian, sorry. -- AND IT IS FOR! THE KAREN MACE MEMORIAL CUP! [The arena lights go down, as the NPW Friday Night Firefight theme plays once more. Crowley remarks that if they keep playing it for Astroth and Morgan, fans won't know what the hell to expect. A moment, later, as Ariel takes to the mic again, Calvin Astroth emerges.. this time without a title around his waist, and rubbing his belly as if he feels naked.] ARIEL : Making their way to the ring at this time! First, from Detroit Michigan, weighing in at 257 pounds! He is one-third of the CAL Worrrrrrrrrld Tag Team champions.... CAAAAAALVIIIIN ASSSSSSSSTROTH! [Calvin looks right to left, moving over to the left side of the stage to pat down a suspicious-looking cameraman. As he does so, Bud Morgan sneaks out of the back and hides behind the right side of the stage, causing Calvin to freak when Morgan doesn't "follow him out", and charges backstage. The fans howl with laughter as Morgan shakes his head and heads down the ramp.] ARIEL : And his partner! He hails from Old Milwaukee, and weighs in at 245 pounds! He is "NPW's Chosen Son", and the "Hardcore Drunk"... BUD "100 PROOOOOOOF" MORRRRRRRGAAAAAAAAAN!!! [As Morgan guzzles booze and heads to the ring, the Paranoid Genius emerges once again, looking frantic. Spotting Morgan, Calvin hurtles down the ramp, pushing fans away from him, and following him into the ring. There, Morgan demands to take Bud's pulse and forces him to follow his moving finger to ensure his health.] MASTERS : And the tag team of "Only I Can Kill Bud Morgan" is in the ring! And fans, if we can get a shot -- right here on a podium beside me is the Karen Mace Memorial Cup, which will be handed to the winners tonight, and formally presented to them on our next Friday Night Firefight show two weeks from now! [We see the shiny silver cup sitting beside Masters, the names of the winners on it's black base.] ARIEL [once again on the mic, as the house lights go down] : AND THEIR OPPONENTS! (The arena lights go down inside the Corel Centre as multicoloured spolights begin to dance around the stage. Across the screen, the words THE UNTOUCHABLES appear in bold writing over the grinning faces of Calvin Astroth, Timmy Fantastico and TJ Killingbeck as they look collectively down into the camera. The unlikely Beastie Boys "Paul Revere - Untouchables Remix" begins to play over the sound system -- a remix apparently sung by The Untouchables themselves.) (VOICE OF TIMMY FANTASTICO :) (From out of the back, underneath the big screen, emerge the Untouchables - Timmy Fantasico and TJ Killingbeck. Killingbeck, wearing a black bandana wrapped in a thick headband style over his short hair and with a Singapore cane wrapped in barbed wire in his hands, also wears the tag title, a dark t-shirt with the sides cut out that displays the smiling faces of The Untouchables on the front and the bold words NEXT TIME, BRING KRYPTONITE! emblazoned upon the back. Timmy Fantastico, dressed in silver trunks and boots, wears the CAL World title over one shoulder and the CAL World Tag title around his waist. Standing between the team is their five and a half year old manager, the portly and bespectacled Millicent, chewing a large wad of gum as her bug-like eyes blink out from behind her thick glasses. Lastly, they are followed by Killingbeck's sister, Machine Gun Molly, wearing a black sports bra over some ratty cut-off jeans, and a black toque with a UT logo emblazoned on it. The Untouchables peer around at the crowd, Killingbeck making a sour face and Timmy hip thrusting everything in sight.) (TF)#He tole a little story dat sounded well-rehearsed ARIEL : "With a total combined weight of 415 pounds... 'The Cray-Zee From Ayy-Zee', TJ Killingbeck..... The CAl Worlllllld champion, 'The Macho Muchacho', Timy Fantastico... They are the Coalition of Affiliated Leagues WORLLLLLLLLD Tag Team champiooooooons..... THE UNNNNNTOUCHABLESSSS!" (The Untouchables make their way ringside, Millicent waddling after them and Molly hopping on TJ, riding her brother's back to the ring. Killingbeck, ever surly, trudges towards the ring and rolls inside, sitting in the turnbuckle as Molly disembarks to run around the ring all willy-nilly.) (TJK)#"Now my name is Killingbeck I've got a license to cane MASTERS : And here come the CAL World Tag Team champions, The Untouchables! Timmy Fantastico and TJ Killingbeck are stepping into a situation that can go any direction -- for or against them! (TJ)#"Now I got the cane and you got the brew (As their music ends, Killingbeck and Fantastico make with their standard "rock, paper, scissors" routine to decide who goes in first, with Fantastico's "rock" being covered by TJ's "paper." With that settled, Molly bounces outside the ring with glee as she collects the titles, and Millicent tries to flag down a food vendor as she takes Paco from Fantastico. Both men stop, and stare at Calvin.]
FINALS
#Now 'ere's a little story I's got to tell
'bout t'ree bad brudders dat joo know so well
It started way back in history
Wit' Cal, TJ, and me- TIMMY!
Been had a little horsey name Paul Revere
Jus' me and my horsey an' a quart of beer
Riding 'cross de land, kicking up sand
De CAL is on my tail 'cause I's in demand
One lonely UT I be!
All by myself wit'out nobody!
De sun is beating down on my baseball cap
De air is gettin' hot, de beer is getting flat
Lookin' for a girl I ran into dis guy
His name is Killingbeck,
I said, "OLA!" he said,
(VOICE OF TJ KILLINGBECK) "Hi."#
Four days on de run, hombre's dying of t'irst
De brew was in my hand and he was on my tip
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry
He ask me for a sip
He said,
(TJK) "Can I get some?"
(TF)I said, "joo can't get none!"
Had a chance to floor
He pulled out his Singapore
He was quick on de draw I thought I be dead
He put de cane to my head and dis is what he said#
I think you know what time it is it's time to feel pain
Now what do we have here, a muchacho and his beer?
I run this land, you understand, do I make myself clear?"
(TIMMY)We stepped into de wind
He had a cane, I had a grin
Joo t'ink dis story's over
but iss ready to begin#
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can cane you to a pulp or you can ride with me."
(TF)I says, "I'll ride wit' joo if joo can get me to de border
Jack Mace is after me for what I did to his daughter
We did it like dis! We did it like dat!
We did it all day long wit' a whiffleball bat!
So now I's on de run, de man's got my Pepe
And right about now it's time to have fun, OK?
Fantastico, dat is my name
And I know de fly spot where dey got de champagne."
We rode for six hours den we hit de spot
De beat was a-bumpin' and de chicas was hot
Dis dude was staring like he knows who we are
We took de empty spot next to Esse at the bar
TJ said,
(TJK) "Muahaha, you know this kid?"
(TF) I said, "I didn't." But I knows he did
De kid said,
(VOICE OF CALVIN ASTROTH)"Get ready, cause this ain't funny
I'm the Paranoid Genius and I'm about to get money."
(TF)Pulled out his hands, aimed them at the sky
He yelled, "Stick'em up!" and let two axehandles fly
Hands went up and people hit de floor
He Smashtrot'ed two jobbers dat ran for de door
(CA)"I'm Calvin Astroth and I get respect
Your gold and your title belts is what I expect!"
(TF) TJ was wit' it an' he's my ace
So I's grabbed de referee and I punch him in de face
De referee's out, de announcer stopped
De timekeeper had beef and he got dropped
TJ grabbed the booze while Cal snatched the gold
I grabbed two chicas an' a beer dat's cold!!!#
Message Thread
« Back to index