I think that among the first decisions you should make is to consult a counselor or psychologist. I don't wish to insult you in any way by making this suggestion, but I feel like it's best for you.
As it is, you are coping with some very intense feelings about yourself, Nikolaos, and society, and I truly believe that what your soul needs most is a strongly rooted sense of self where you feel confident and good and positive- without the identity that somehow involves Nikolaos. You need an equation where you stand alone, and where he is not a variable- either as someone to hold feelings for, or as a physical presence in your life.
I additionally believe that not only would a therapist help you create that new sense of self, but I also feel that he or she could help you explore your belief that you won't go on to marry or have children. You shouldn't be coping with so much alone, and you shouldn't be so inclined to think as negatively as you do about yourself.
Please consider my suggestions. I truly think that how you feel and what you describe is intense enough to merit a consultation with a professional. At the end of the day, between you and Nikolaos, it doesn't matter if Nikolaos is safe and well. It's you who does.
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