Thank you Alex,
Life since December has been pretty painful at times. I felt maybe he'd decided last summer but hoped it woudn't happen. It's difficult when you actually see someone or come across them but they seem a world away or they look and smile, point you out but them they stay with their gf. Perhaps the indian caste system is alive in Chelsea.
I've met t away from Nikolaos and his friends that she's worked hard to please and she is not the same as you see in pictures smiling and controlled. controled yes but not kind inside, steely and focussed. I've met girls like her from her background and less well off backgrounds and they drive, push and usualy get whta they want in the end. Maybe I missread her, i hope to think I was wrong, but when she smiles and makes Nikolas meet her gaze she knows she's puling the strings I've literally seen it before my eyes, not in pics or on the net. But it worked for her in the end a bit like Carla Bruni Sarkozy.
I've been through and am still going through difficult times but I try to stay strong and work on my projects. I think I never really believed how much money would matter and the money-classs background of the girl he would want people to see him with in public, at least in the last few years.
I'm gutted, and I know what you're saying but I kind of know in my heart I probably never will marry. This has upset me a lot and caused a lot of grief in my life. I just felt he wasn't sure for a long time but she worked very hard to be what he needed and I'm just an honest idiot who goes along thinking that good wins in the end. Maybe I did get the wrong impression when I came across her, she sure doesn't like the sight of me, but I think she should have married a brazillionaire with money to burn and endless private planes. I could see her with a shortler darker guy anyway. A couple of years ago in Hyde Park I did when Nik was out of the country. But what do I know, I'm the poor girl.... I would never have made my way through the bedroom and no woman in my background ever has, it's not a line you cross in my book for some it's an acceptable way and it pays off. I've spilled a lot hre but there's a lot more I'll never say, as there is no point what good would it do.....it's not kind and no matter if I lose about 3 stone before september it wouldn't be kind, no matter what this has done to me I won't be unkind I'm at least a little more lady like that T in that sence.
I work very hard and I help others and will travel and do many things but I feel deep down somthing was taken away from me, alls not fair in love and war I think tricksy girls who ask for the most and take the most win, not with a good heart but with a very eager smile. I with perhaps a few drops of Jewish blood don't get why certain girls wear red threads and crave money, But I don't believe you can live everyday as an actress, the real person inside will show one day.
I know there are lots of good things about me as a person and in my family I just don't feel this is right but no one in my family has a black bently/Audies or houses around the world to stay in. I can't give money I wonder why that had to matter so much from living truly from feelings I think alos I let myself feel inferior for a long time becasue I knew my family couldn't give the money her family could for the future and I thought about how much differnce that would make.
I do think there is a fairere world out there one where you arn't judged by your parents money and I do go to society events myself and meet many people whi thnk that way of looking at people was from 60 years ago anyway, I just don;t understand why it had to matter so much to Nikolaos, I once looked at him and thought 'I wonder if he's cross becasue I'm too poor for him to introduce to his parents or peer group'? I don;t know, I just think he hit 40 and wants to make a safe decision to please his father and guarentee that his parents grandchildren have a certain lifestyle, I could be an amazing mother Alex, I was meant to be nad he was the only man that I came across that made me really think of having kids but that's gone now, he's on track to marry in September and it will be exactly what she worked for many years. Maybe I'm too independant becaus eI don;t like using people anyway so maybe I seem like I don;t need someone....
I'm single as ever and going forwrad, Marriage and kids, perhaps in the next life I just hope he's happyand I'll always wish from him to be safe and well.
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