Posted by Grace
on 12/4/2008, 9:44 pm, in reply to "Re: OT: Grieving"
67.187.89.76
My boyfriend of nearly 4.5 years passed away in September of a heart attack. He was only 35! The ER doctor asked his mom to have an autopsy done b/c he was baffled as to what killed a seemingly healthy 35 year old. I knew it was a heart attack based on what Michael had told me-he was at a job site (he worked for a communications company) and started sweating really bad and was having trouble breathing along with chest pain. He went to the clinic on site and the nurse monitored him for 30 minutes, ran an EKG, and recorded his symptoms. To me, the untrained health professional, it was obvious he was in trouble. He was having trouble breathing, had shooting pains down both arms, his teeth were hurting, and his chest felt heavy and would have pains. His blood pressure was high. She sent him out of there and told him that he should "probably" go see his primary care physician or go to the ER. "Probably." So he went with his coworker to pick up material for another job and then he sent me a text saying that he needed to go to the emergency room, but wanted to wait til I got off work, could I take him. This is VERY out of character for him so I called him to see what was up...he told me what all happened and I said no, that I'd leave work then and come. I talked to him nearly the whole way there (I was 30 minutes away) and he started breathing really hard. He did not seem too worried and before the heavy breathing started, he was even joking about me being impatient and being a female driver. I did not make it to him in time, I missed him by just a minute or two. It definitely happened like snapping your fingers and he was gone. His coworker tried to keep me away but I went around to him and knew. Too late.
I found myself beyond furious at the nurse who initially treated him at the job site b/c to me it was like she was negligent and sent him away to die. He was gone within an hour and a half of her last notation. Besides me and his family, he also left two young sons.
All of this in and of itself is hard enough to deal with but I had a lot of support. My boss's wife gave me the book Good Grief which takes you through the stages of grief and I found it really helpful. I really was doubting myself and how I was gonna be able to forward; I've lost people close to me before but this was so very different. Never someone that I lived with and talked to every day. It took a lot of talking to myself (you can do it!)and praying and talking it out.
The part that I think is holding me back (even though now I think I am doing OK considering) is his parents. At first they were perfectly nice and understanding, but oddly weren't showing much emotion while I was a basket case (I know everyone grieves differently). I had instructed everyone who was staying with me not to move anything, especially if it was his b/c I needed to feel like he was still here and everything look the same. So his mom first starts with wanting to come and get the Rock Band and the Wii and she offered the boys bunk beds up to Michael's sister, telling me that she didn't figure I'd want them and the boys wouldn't be over anymore anyway. So I let her come over to get the games and let his sis see the beds and all hell broke loose. She and his dad started running through here grabbing literally everything they could get their hands on, with no regard as to who it belonged to. But may I add only things of value, ie electronics, iPods, video games, cameras-you name it. His mom grabbed TWO cameras and put them on her shoulder then thought to ask if one was mine and did I need one. Then she informed me that she was taking his laptop, he bought it with his tax return (not true) and that he "owed" her that money! Then she tried to take my friend's laptop bag, b/c it "must be his, it has blank paper in it." She also told me that they were taking the computer upstairs and the printers but if I needed a computer, they didn't want to leave me without, so they could bring me another one. ??? I told her the desktop wasn't going anywhere. All this happened the day after we buried him!! To top this off, she explained to me that there was very little money in his account and that she knew I'd need money for rent since we split bills so they could give me his portion-a LIE! He had $1600 in his account and another check coming in.
I managed to not say anything ugly to them. I truly wanted to scream, yell, and cry but I did not want to return bad behavior with the same. I was trying to be compassionate considering they had lost a son.
Three weeks later, round two. His mom called me on a Sunday and wanted to come pick up the beds. I have a part time job that I was at and did not get the message until 1 that morning-but b/c I did not answer, I was obviously ignoring her. So on Monday, she starts calling repeatedly and accidentally left me a message where I can hear her and his dad talking about me! So I called my mom (I wasn't being alone again for them to come raid) and told her that they needed to come get more stuff, don't know what, but that I needed her here. So she came and we dragged EVERYTHING I could find and made a pile. I could not do this again. His parents had to fill the truck and take home and then come back for the rest. Then his mom told him to go get that computer. He walks in with another computer and it starts going down hill. The initial reason (first visit) to take computers was to clean the porn off (and how would they know if there was any??) and that the boys needed a better one to play games on (laptop). Now the excuse was for a better computer for the boys to play games on, mom pointed out that that was why they took the laptop and then it switched to the boys' iPods were synched to the desktop so they needed it. I stood my ground and told them that the computer was going nowhere. Finally, his dad gave up and said OK. I went upstairs to get some things and I heard elevated voices-my mom and his mom. As I am coming down the stairs, I see his mom run out the door-she tried to tell my mom that Michael's things weren't safe there and that if I had not let them come to get his things and what was theirs (they supposedly had things here), it was my last chance before legal action. Legal action?! That brought my mom up off the couch and that sent his mom running out the door.
I have not spoken to them since. His mom has tried to call twice "to check on me" but I want NOTHING to do with them. This aftermath is what I think I am struggling with-how could they treat me that way?? Michael would be absolutely horrified to know that they ran through here grabbing his stuff and doing me that way. And I am just shocked, angry, and very hurt. To top it off, his ex got put in the middle and now I have had to stop talking to her so as to not put in the middle from my side.
I know that was a novel and I tried to condense best I could. I found out the autopsy results a few weeks back, courtesy of his ex, and his was in fact a heart attack caused by a large clot in his left artery. I know I have to keep going, but some days it is really hard. There are better days and life is starting to feel a touch more normal, but I feel a bit lost. His parents and that second blow so soon really messed me up....
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