Posted by Sue
on 5/2/2009, 2:08 pm, in reply to "My Best Friend"
24.150.93.209
Thank you all very much for your support and responses!
I don't think there has been a day that has gone by that i havent had a good cry about losing Sarah. Reading your replies brought the tears flowing again, which is fine, it feels good to release them.
We have a 2 year old son and he's asked 3 times in the 2 weeks since Sarah left us "where's sarah?". It breaks my heart, and i've always answered, Sarah had to go bye bye. Well, this past week he asked and when i replied to him he said NO. I said, NO? Sarah's not gone bye bye? And he said, Outside. Oh I said, Sarah is just outside? He said: Yep.
Too cute. I know it wont be long until he's not asking about her or has forgotten her...he's at a perfect age for this to have happened. But it's certainly sweet that he's made up his mind right now that she hasnt gone bye bye, she is just outside.
The guilt still weighs heavy on me for having her put down. It breaks my heart to 2nd guess our decision that the time wasnt right. I know for the months leading up to the day, we had known the time was near--it's still hard to believe the right decision was made at the right time.
She really didnt want to go. When the vet showed up she was in the yard, pacing and looking at me on the deck. I felt horrible because here i was saying her time has come, and there she was pacing the yard and acting like she was 5 years younger.
The vet had said she was acting on nervous energy. She looked fluid and pain free because she was stressed and could feel my stress and worry I suppose. I was having 2nd thoughts, my husband was having 2nd thoughts, we were 2nd guessing ourselves--but we had to remind ourselves...we know if we don't set her free now she'll be up all night again for weeks/months in pain pacing the house; stuck on her bed for hours all day because she can't get up by herself while we're at work; or spread eagle on the floor because she fell while we were out.
It's so sad when mentally she thought she was still a puppy and would try to chase the ball my toddler would throw but her back end would give out and she'd lie embarrassed looking while he shrieked to go get the ball. Physically her body was tired and breaking down, mentally she thought she was still a puppy.
She couldnt go for long walks with us anymore, but would still be like a bull at the front door trying to push past us while we had to tell her she couldnt go, she had to stay home. Whenever we took her on walks she'd limp all the way home, sometimes her back toes/nails would all be bleeding from dragging her feet. Then she'd be down for the count for a day or two...
I'm not saying it's any easier at all when a pet is ill or diseased...but it certainly hurts just as much when they're physically just not able to go on anymore.
I'm still struggling with the idea that I had the right to say her life is over. What right did I have to say this is it?
I do miss her tons. I do hope she knows how sorry I am and how much I love her. I had her since she was 7 weeks old. I sat in the middle of the 7 pups in the litter and she bullied overtop all of them and came and sat in my lap. That was it, she made my decision for me, she picked me! I've lost my best buddy.
The vet is coming by tonight to drop off her ashes. It will be that night all over again...
Thanks for your shoulder everyone.
Sue
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