Posted by Sue
on 5/1/2009, 2:29 pm
146.18.173.72
My heart is shattered. We had to put down our 13.5 year old Golden, Sarah, two weeks ago. I never would have imagined how hurt, empty, and guilty I feel now. My heart aches.
She was having alot of trouble getting up to standing on her own. And for months now she was up all night pacing and panting and unable to relax or get comfortable. She had lost 15 lbs in two years, even though she ate like a horse, and was down to just 53 lbs.
Her back knees were very arthritic, and her hips were not good. She would try and be puppy-like on walks or in our backyard but her back end would collaspe and she would struggle to get back up again.
The vet had told us in the fall she had her weight on her side, in being that she was only 53 lbs, but he was concerned why she had lost 15 lbs in two years.
We had her euthanised in our backyard on a sunny warm april evening two weeks ago. She knew something was up that day. She was very stressed and did not want to come in the house. She kept looking at me and her look felt like it said: what are you thinking? it's not my time!
I held her in my arms the whole time, i stroked her face and hugged her and told her she is a good puppy, we love her so much, and we want her to be free of pain and go running through fields and swim with her buddies.
I was crying the whole time, but when she took her last breath and it was final, i felt like i was just hit by a truck. I felt winded, and could not believe how final everything was. She looked very peaceful, like she was sleeping.
After a few minutes of holding her and telling her how sorry i was and how much i love her i had to stand up to get myself together. When i turned back the vet was just tying up the black garbage bag.
I was horrified.
I told the vet, this is not how i was to remember my girl, she looked so peaceful lying on our deck, and now she looks like a bag of garbage going to the curb!
He apologized and said he needs to bag her because she had lost her bowels/bladder which I totally understand--but i didnt need to see that as my final image of her. I wish he had of been more sensitive to that and asked me to step inside the house for a minute or gone for a walk.
I cannot get the image of her body slumped into that black garbage bag like wet laundry out of my head.
I miss my girl so much. I just hope she knows i love her and that i didnt give up on her. I just wanted her free of pain, and to not feel bad losing her dignity anymore. She hated when i had to pick her up off the floor and felt so bad when she had accidents from incontinence.
I still have her bed in our living room and use it to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and miss her. Our house feels so empty now and the heartbreak is unbearable.
I'm very happy I found this website. It's a relief to speak about my hurt and know people understand and can relate.
Thank you.
Sue
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