Posted by Crabby Appleton on 11/6/2008, 10:49 pm
I go to this public function. I hate functions especially if they're public. I hate the public.
OK, so I went to a hockey game. There is something about a bunch of grown men beating the crap out of each other that kinda makes my day.
I go through the door and a girl in a blue jacket takes my ticket and says, "Take off your hat". Did I hear a please in there ? No ! So I take off my hat and she looks inside it. For what ? Head Lice ? I say "Do you want me to drop my pants so you can check me for crabs too ?" She doesn't see any humor in that but grants me entrance nonetheless.
I go to the souvenier shop and pick up a little something that catches my eye and take it up to the register and a girl in a blue jacket rings me up. It's a small item and I say, "Thanks but I don't need a bag." She says, "You have to take a bag." I say, "Have to take a bag ? I don't want a bag. I can put it in my pocket." and she says, "It's our policy. You have to take a bag." I take the damn bag, take my item out, and deposit the bag in the garbage can at the door which is clearly in her line of view.
Next I go to the refreshment stand to get a hot dog. A voice right behind me says, "You can't stand there. You have to stand over there." The voice came from a grandmotherly type wearing a blue jacket. So I say, "Look, this is the frickin' line to get a hot dog." She says, "Yes, but the line is too long and you might block the aisleway and you have to stand over there." I say "MIGHT block the aisleway ?". Anyway, the line moves up a couple of steps as do I and the hall monitor says, "OK, you can stay there". Jesus H.
I finally get to the front of the line and ask the lady with a blue jacket for a hot dog. She says,"You can't have a hot dog we're out of hot dogs. Would you like a Polish Sausage?" I say, "If I wanted a Polish Sausage, I would have gone to frickin' Warsaw". So no hot dog.
Now I go to the safety of my seat. A lady in a blue jacket is at the entrance and says, "Can I see your ticket?" I say, "Why ? Did I win a raffle ?" She says,"No, I have to see that you're sitting in the right area."
Tightwad Crabby has the cheapest seat in the house and she wants to make sure I'm not movin' on up ? Give me a frickin' break.
I watch the game without further incident and finally it's time to leave. Believe it or not I encounter each one of these blue jacketed terrors on may way out and each one gives me a, "I hope you enjoyed the game." My blood's boilin'. I feel like I've been clubbed like a baby seal.
And there it was: The exit.The exit from this hellhole and entrance to my regained freedom. But wait. Who's at the door ? The Hat Check Girl that started all this. She gives me this phoney baloney smile and says, "I hope you enjoyed the game." She clearly doesn't remember me but I remember her.
I say, "They way all of you in blue jackets have treated me tonight, I don't know where you're comin' from." She says, "Well, where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions." I say, "Oh, I'm very sorry, I don't know where you're comin' from b###h". I went through that blessed exit with just a bit of smug satisfaction.
I hate people with a self entitled sense of authority. I hate authority. I hate blue jackets and I don't like you very much.
Don't bother me.
Crabby
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