Posted by O.C. on 3/7/2011, 5:16 pm
<<<<< somewhere to let it all out.
Today is a beautiful day, lovely and sunny here in North Yorkshire, a perfect day!! I've not got any health probs, in fact I'm feeling really well...... but....... I am currently feeling so low, so alone.
It's on days like this when I notice all those families all over the estate, making and eating their Sunday lunches together, maybe sparking up the Bar-b-q for a fun evening, playing games together in their back gardens, even having a good old family barney, effing and blinding at each other, just generally .... making memories.
It's on days like this when Jo and Tinks would be round my house for some home cooking, sitting about, chatting, playing games, arguing, drinking cuppas,'putting the world to rights' having a laugh, comparing our crohn's issues. and all the thousand and one things that go to making what family life and 'making memories' is all about.
It's on days like this that It hits me really badly, just how much we lost when we lost Josey.
It's 4 years on now, and usually I mangage to keep it all in that 'little box' (as the psychologists put it)
People say that as time goes by you forget the bad days and remember the good days, 36 years of the happy memories, which is supposed to make things easier to cope with, but that doesn't seem to be working for me.
All that happens when I remember the happy memories is my brain tells me Jo should still be here, we should still be making more memories another 20, 30, maybe more, years of memories.
I get no visitors now, Tinks is 18, just finished her last exams at college and is 'in a relationship' (as they say on facebook) so she's off living her own life, and, obviously, not particularly wanting to share too much of that with 'granny' (who at 18 years old does?)
My 'meaningful other half' spends his life either snoring in front of the blaring T.V. or out in his shed doing 'god knows what' and has never been the 'social type' he even grumbles if any of his brothers happen to 'pop in' just to say hello.
It's on days like this, that it hits me the most, that my whole adult life, my 'Raison d'etre' was being a mum, and a Nana, it's the only thing i've known, all my adult life. (Jo was born the day before my 20th birthday), and now, at 60 years old, I have to 're-invent' myself, to make a life for myself, to find out anew, who or what I am.
Friends, I am so sorry I'm putting all this here, I don't usually wear my heart on my sleeve like this, but I just needeed somewhere to put my thoughts, I couldn't put it on my facebook page, I would hate for Tinks to read this and maybe send her on some kind of 'guilt trip'. If she wants to stay in touch with her nana it has to be because that's what she wants, not because she feels it her duty. (Umm does that make sense?)
I hope you are all having as good a day as your health and circumstances allow,
Luv n hugs