I live alone in this city. These are the people I see that connect me to the universe during my week: the staff at the pizza delivery place two doors from my apartment; the people who work checkout at the grocery store two blocks up the street; the staff at the video store across the river; and my grandmother. None of these people know me, especially my grandmother. It used to make me sad: not knowing anybody. Before that I was happy. I was happy eating pizza, watching movies and visiting my grandmother with the rest of the family at Christmas time. Now it doesnít bother me (not knowing anybody) but doing the things Iíve mentioned doesnít particularly excite me like they used to. When I really think about it, all of this is quite sad but it is also beautiful. Itís more beautiful than it was before it was sad. Ordering a pizza is beautiful. Renting a movie is beautiful. Making my deluded grandmother smile is beautiful.
But do you know what is most beautiful? Taking a shit is most beautiful.
And do you know what connects me to the universe most: The Toilet.
Taking a shit is beautiful but itís not always beautiful. Sometimes itís a hassle. Usually itís boring. But once a week, when I walk across town to see The Toilet, it is the most beautiful thing that connects me to the universe.
For most people, Friday night is usually the night to get drunk, or see a movie in the theatre, or cuddle with a sweetheart, or feel depressed and lonely. None of those things happen for me, but on Friday night I take my most wonderful shit of the week.
The Toilet is not my toilet. More people use The Toilet in the course of a day than will ever use my toilet. I have no romantic feelings for my toilet, but I do have romantic feelings for The Toilet. When I think of Ďromantic,í I donít necessarily think of sweethearts kissing; I think of a thing that connects the self profoundly with the rest of the universe. I went to college. I only stayed for a year and a half, so I could be wrong about what romantic means, but to me, my feelings for The Toilet are very romantic.
The walk to The Toilet is always majestic. Itís the way I should have felt when I visited my girlfriends. Finally I feel the excitement that all normal people feel when things are perfect in their life, on a Friday night. I almost feel connected to the people walking to their sweethearts, or going to the bars with their crew. I guess Friday night is a happy night, and now I feel happy like all of the other happy people.
The Toilet is not alone. There is a urinal in the same room. Sometimes another man urinates while I defecate. This excites me, but not in the way it might excite some men. In the months since I have started using The Toilet, I have been approached by a couple of those types of men to do the things that excite them. I am never interested. I cannot connect to people in that way. I am, though, very romantic.